I Wish You Could Hold Me
by Castielmyangel143
Summary: Castiel is haunted by his past, and what happened to him. Now his family has moved to forget the past, but Castiel still can't be touched by anyone but his family... then he met Dean. Rated M for later content, Dean/Castiel. Don't like don't read.
1. Chapter 1

Title:I Wish You Could Hold Me

Characters\pairings: Castiel, Jimmy, Sam, John, Mary, and Mrs. Novak. Castiel/Dean.

Warnings: none so far, you'll just have a lot of questions at the end of this chapter.

Summary: Castiel is haunted by his past, and what happened to him. Now his family has moved to forget the past, but Castiel still can't be touched by anyone but his family... then he met Dean.

~o~

"Come on Castiel you'll be fine" Jimmy said moving closer to his brother "New school new people... although I think it was pretty stupid to start school on a Friday"

"Jimmy I can't do this" Castiel said when they walked through the front door into a crowed school. Students stood in the middle of the hallway talking, and running around. Castiel's grip on Jimmy's hand tightened.

Jimmy took in a deep breath "Okay, okay we can do this Cassie" he said, and started to make his way through the crowd of teenagers, pushing pasted people making room for his brother to slip through. They were moving fast, swift, and easy through the crowd Castiel could see the office when someone jumped out in front off Jimmy. Jimmy ran straight into the guy knocking them both to the ground, luckily Castiel had let go of his brothers hand.

"What the fuck!" the other boy groaned.

"Jimmy" Castiel breath crouching next to his brother.

"Shit, shit, shit!" he cursed as he held his wrist.

"Jimmy your wrist" Castiel said grabbing the twitching limb with careful fingers.

Jimmy gave a small pained laugh "What do you think mom will say when she hears I broke my wrist on the first day.. AH" he cried as Castiel lightly squeezed his wrist.

"Man are you okay" Castiel saw a hand reach for his shoulder, and he quickly flinched away from it falling back onto his elbows looking up at the boy. His eyes were shut tight as his body tensed, and he heart raised, his limbs trembled as he lost reality.

"Castiel!" Jimmy said, but Castiel was gone.

"_I won't hurt you" he chimed as he inched closer._

"Kid, it's okay"

Castiel's eyes shot open, and blue locked with green "Not gray, not gray" Castiel whispered to himself.

"Are you okay" the boy said his hand reaching out only trying to comfort the frightened boy in front of him.

Castiel moved back "No, please d-don't touch me" he said.

There was hurt and worry in those green eyes that for some reason made him feel safe again, and his that nightmares would stop finally.

Jimmy was standing "Come on" he said grabbing Castiel who was still staring at the green eyed boy in front of him.

~o~

Jimmy and Castiel walked into their new home their mother already standing there waiting, Jimmy's hand was still twitching from hitting his nerve. "Oh my goodness, your finally home" she said rushing over to her sons, she gently grabbed Jimmy's arm.

He hiss "Mom... stop" he said.

She shook her head "Castiel honey go get his wrist guard. It's in one of his unpacked boxes" she said, and Castiel ran up stairs to Jimmy's room. He quickly searched through the boxes throwing clothes and books all over the floor, he reached to the bottom of one box and he could feel the guard brush against his fingers "Yes" he whispered. He went to grab it, but something sharp slide across his palm. He hissed from the pain, but still grabbed the guard. He ran down stairs his hand in a fist as crimson tears dripped from his hand, he handed his Mom the wrist guard before running to the bathroom. He held his bleeding palm under the cold running water, he knelt down as the pain subsided resting his head on the edge of the sink.

There was a knock on the door "Cassie?" Jimmy said as his slowly opened the door, he saw Castiel's bleeding palm "What' d you do" he said kneeling next to his brother. He grabbed a wash cloth and wrapped it around his hand "You did good today Castiel" he said.

"I saw him again" he whispered as tears blurred his vision "What if he finds us?"

Jimmy put a gentle hand on the back of his brothers neck, and pressed their foreheads together "He wont okay" he said as his brother started to cry "Shh.. its okay I'm here no one can hurt you."

~o~

Dean walked in to his house, he was still thinking about that kid he saw earlier. Why was he so scared? I wasn't gonna hurt him, Dean thought as he stood at the door. "Dean honey get cleaned up" he heard his mom say, but his brain didn't register it. "Dean honey I said... Dean?" she moved toward him slowly as if he was a frightened animal " Dean are you okay?"

Dean snapped back to reality "What... I'm sorry mom" he said.

Mary smiled "whats his name?" she asked, Dean's parents were very supportive of his sexuality.

Dean blushed "I don't know, but he.. never mind I'll tell you later" he said going to get cleaned up.

"Okay sweetheart when ever your ready to tell me" she said watching him with worried eyes.

Dean closed the door to his room and walked into his bathroom, he braced his hands on the sink "What did I do?" he asked himself out loud looking in the mirror.

"Dean are you talking to yourself again?" Sam asked from the other side of the door.

Dean groaned and threw the first thing he grabbed which happened to be his bottle of hair gel "Sam, go away!" he yelled.

"Okay, jeez I guess I'll just take your journal that I found in your book bag" he said and Dean laughed "Today there was a new kid at school his eyes were so blue it felt like I was swimming in the ocean. I think I'm in love. Only I don't know his name, and I think he's scared of me, I couldn't stop thinking of him like during math class I thought..."

Dean slammed the door open "You little shit!" he yelled running after his brother. Sam screamed running out of the room, and down the stairs "SAM!" Dean yelled following close behind Sam "Give it back" he tackled Sam to the ground reaching for the book.

"Get off!" Sam yelled back.

Dean ripped the journal form his hand "Dean Winchester!" he heard his mother yell. Dean looked up to see they had company "Get off of your brother right now!" she said through clenched teeth.

Dean rolled off of Sam and stood before helping his brother up "Come on twerp" he said as they started to walk toward they're mother. When they stopped next to their mother Dean felt someone smack the back of his head "Ow!" he said rubbing the back of his head and looking next to him to find his father standing there smiling at him.

"Now that we look like a normal family" she said with a smile "Boys say hello to the Novaks" Dean looked to the other family, and almost as if it was fate Dean's eyes met with a brilliant blue.

Jimmy notice and moved in front of his bother protectively "Hello!" Sam said stepping forward to stand in front of Jimmy "I'm Sam"

Jimmy smiled down at him "I'm James but you may call me Jimmy"

"I see your a man of good grammar" Sam smiled holding his hands behind his back.

Jimmy laughed "I guess you will enjoy our conversations?"

"It's better then talking to this barbarian" he said motioning to Dean.

Dean smacked Sam in the back of the head "I don't have bad grammar" he said.

John grabbed his arm "You will if you keep it up" he whispered "Hi I'm John" he said smiling.

"Guinevere" she said "My mother was obsessed with the Mid-evil time period and love the story of King Arthur" she explained.

"Well it's a lovely name" he said.

"Thank you, and these are my two sons" she said looked to the twins "Jimmy you already know, and Castiel"

Mary tilted her head to look at him "you don't have to hide we don't bite well unless your Dean" she smiled.

"Mom!" he groaned under his breath looking at her.

"what?" she said looking at him to see his flushed face, and realization set in. her eyes widen but she stayed calm "Anyway boys why don't you take Jimmy and Castiel up stairs and get to know each other while we talk with their mother"

"That sounds like a great idea boys" Guinevere said looking at her sons who had matching expressions of worry "You'll be fine" she whispered.

"Right um Guinevere please follow us" she said walking toward the kitchen.

Dean looked to the twins "Well lets go" he said leading them up stairs, he turned to open Sam's door.

"Wait why are we going into my room?" he said.

Dean snorted "What you afraid they'll find your unicorn collection" he said.

"NO!" Sam yelled "I'm doing a science project and my rooms a mess"

"Whats your science project on?" Jimmy asked.

"Lets find out" Dean said pushing the door opened "Holy shit dude!" he said.

In the middle of Sam's room was a two foot model of Apollo 13 "I'm gonna explain how it didn't make it home" he said walking over to it.

Jimmy walked over leaving Castiel behind "This is amazing" he said "How long did this take you?"

Sam smiled "five weeks"

Dean shook his head and turned to walk out of the room, but stopped when he saw Castiel in the doorway. Dean was afraid to go near him after what happened earlier, he looked at the notebook in his hand, he really did need to hide this. Castiel was shifting nervously, his shoulders tense, his eye locked on the floor. Dean was broken from his train of thought when something hard hit his back "Sam you have three seconds to drop the sling shot and run as fast as you can" he warned.

Sam giggle as he ran to the doorway "Excuse me" Sam said.

Castiel moved aside watching Sam run pasted, then watched as Dean did the same. Jimmy walked over to him laughing "Come on" he said following the boys. Castiel follow slowly behind feeling a little like a ghost to everyone else, forgotten and alone.

Dean was carrying Sam over his shoulder into his room, his journal sticking out of his back pocket. Dean laugh as he threw Sam on his bed "Alright Sammy" he said "Time for torture" he said as he began to tickle his little brother. Sam laughed and pushed at Dean as Jimmy stood there smiling, Castiel had a light smile on his face. He went to step forward when his foot landed on a notebook, he remembered that it was sticking out of Dean's pocket. He bent down to pick it up; he read the the front and smiled at the small written conversations like "Jo was here and Dean wants to marry Brad Pitt" he followed the line that lead to Dean's comment "No I don't and stop writing on my journal" Castiel smiled "You mean your diary" He leaned against the door frame "IT IS NOT A DIARY it's a journal" he turned it over to read the back cover "Ash was here and Dean wishes he had my hair... busyness in the front party in the back" Castiel grinned Dean had so many friends "Ash I wouldn't want your hair cut if it was the last one on earth"

"Wait... Dean stop" Sam said before standing and grabbing Jimmy's hand "I forgot to show you something" he said and squeezed past Castiel without touching him as did Jimmy.

Dean sat on his bed smiling as he watched Sam leave with Jimmy, but he gasped when he saw Castiel with his journal. He stood and slowly walked over to him "Cas...?" he said gently grabbing the notebook.

Castiel's head snapped up "S-sorry I-I didn't read i-it" he stuttered nervously letting go of the notebook.

"No, no Cas it's fine really" Dean said panic filled his voice.

Castiel looked at him like he head ten heads "What... Cas?"

Dean didn't even notice the nickname "Oh my god I'm sorry Castiel"

"No, no I-I don't mind if y-you call me... Cas" He said shyly.

Dean smiled "Well while our brothers are off being nerds you wanna come sit?" he said.

Castiel Nodded before walking forward, he jumped when Dean closed the door. Dean then sat down on his bed "Come on" he said.

Castiel cautiously sat down "You room is... nice" he said.

Dean laughed "Thanks" he said "Relax would' ya your backs as straight as a board"

Castiel looked at Dean; Dean was sitting back against the wall. Castiel slowly moved to the same position, he smiled at how comfortable it felt. It was silent in the room, but not an awkward silence more of a content silence.

"Do you like brownies?" Dean asked out of no where.

Castiel smiled "What...?"

Dean was staring at the ceiling "I love brownies" he said licking his lip. Castiel's eyes followed that little pink dot as it trailed across his lips "In fact I made brownies yesterday" he sat up "want one?"

Castiel smiled "I would love one" he said.

"Awesome come on" he said standing and walking out of the room Castiel following behind him. Dean pasted their parents on the way.

"Dean?" his mom said "What are you doing"

"Um... I am trying to mentally scar Castiel" he joked grabbing a knife to cut the brownies out with.

"Oh okay... Wait what!" she said.

Dean laughed as he cut Castiel's brownie and placed it on a napkin "Nothing mom, nothing"

"Okay just.. don't break anything"

Dean shook his head and picked up both brownies and place them on the kitchen table "Here sit" he said walking over to the fridge "Can you drink milk?"

"Yes"

Dean pulled out the milk and placed it on the table before going to get some cups. Castiel was watching Dean the entire time. Dean poured the milk before sitting down and ripping off a piece of the chocolate square and popping it in his mouth "You can eat it you know it wont bite back.. I hope it wont anyway" he laugh.

Castiel picked up the brownie and bit into it, he almost moan by the taste, but instead it came as a laugh as Def Leppard- Love Bites played in his head for some odd reason. He placed the brownie down so he could cover his mouth and laugh.

"Whats so funny?" Dean asked.

"Nothing the brownies are amazing" he said over his laughter.

"No seriously how are brownies funny.. did it actually bite you" he joked and Castiel laughed harder which made Dean laugh.

"Castiel..?" Guinevere said walking into the kitchen, tears filled her eyes when she saw how happy Castiel was. Its been so long since she's heard his laugh, or seen him smile.

~o~

Thank you all for reading, and please review.


	2. Bad, Dreams

Title:I Wish You Could Hold Me

Characters\pairings: Castiel, Jimmy, Sam, John, Mary, and Mrs. Novak. Castiel/Dean.

Warnings:Nightmares.

Summary: Castiel is haunted by his past, and what happened to him. Now his family has moved to forget the past, but Castiel still can't be touched by anyone but his family... then he met Dean.

A\N: Thank you all so much for your support, and please remember to review.

~o~

Castiel was laying on his bed staring at the ceiling. Today made Castiel feel…happy. For the first time in a long time, he wasn't scared, or worried that something would happen. His eyes began to close, and dreams filled his mind. They were actual dreams, no nightmares, or darkness just…dreams.

_Castiel was sitting on Dean's bed in his arm; Castiel was actually being held by someone other than his family. "Cas?" Dean asked his voice calm and drowsy._

_Castiel looked up into green eyes, and leaning closer said,"Yes Dean?"_

_Dean moved so that their faces were closer, "I won't hurt you, and I'll always protect you," he said brushing his lips against Castiel's._

"_I know." Castiel pressed his lips to Dean's, and he felt safe and complete. Dean pressed closer to deepen the kiss, gently moving his lips, and Castiel followed the motions. Dean started pressing harder, and it began to hurt "Mmm…Dean… Stop." he said pushing at Dean's shoulders. Dean pushed Castiel so he was lying on his back with Dean pressed between his legs. "Dean, stop!" he said._

"_Shhh, I won't hurt you," he said again, pushing his hips down to grind against Castiel._

"_No!" Castiel shouted when Dean's eyes turned a milky gray. "Stop please," he pleaded as Dean grasped his hands and held them above his head._

"_You are mine Castiel." _

_That wasn't Dean's voice. _

Castiel awoke screaming. He sat up, and pulled his knees to his chest before wrapping his arms around them trying to ward off the chill the nightmare had created.

Jimmy ran into the room and turned on the light, "Castiel!"

"Cassie..?"

"He was there…he…Oh, God, Jimmy make it stop!" he hugged his knees tighter. "He…keeps coming. He…always comes," Castiel sobbed brokenly.

Their mother rushed into the room, "Cassie?" she said walking over to the bed. "Shh, baby." She rubbed his back and looked at Jimmy who was now in tears.

"He saw him again." Jimmy looked at Castiel, his voice breaking as he said, "I can't stop him now, just like I couldn't stop him then."

"Jimmy it wasn't your fault," she said, "all we could and can do is pray"

~o~

Dean stretch as he started to wake up. "Dean, breakfast!" he heard his dad yell. He got dressed and hurried down stairs as the smell of waffles and bacon filled the air making his stomach grumble.

"Hey Sammy," he said as he sat down next to his brother.

"Hey Dean," he replied before taking a bite of his bacon. "So, I was talking to Jimmy yesterday, and he said that we could spend the day with them if we wanted."

Dean tried to hide the wide smile he couldn't prevent at the thought of seeing Castiel again, "Yeah, great, we could go over after breakfast," he said quickly grabbing a waffle.

"Whoa, Dean, slow down; you have the whole day." John said.

"Dean's in a hurry so he can see Castiel." Sam mocked making kissing noises.

"Shut up Sam!" he said.

"Oh, so Castiel is the crush Mary was telling me about," John said with a smile.

"Mom! You told him!" he yell his voice cracking at the end, and his face flushed.

"Well, you are growing; your body is changing, starting to feel urges..."

"DAD!" Dean yelled.

John laughed, "I'm just saying…I mean I don't play on the same team, but I think Castiel is, oh how would you say it Dean? Sexy?"

Dean choked on his milk, "Oh my god," he said standing to leave.

John was laughing so hard his stomach hurt, "Dean, come on, I was kidding"

Dean turned "It's just…no…no dad don't ever say that again," he said shaking his whole body to get the thoughts out of his head. He walked up stairs to his bathroom to get ready.

~o~

"It's not that I don't like him; I just worry. What if he accidentally touches Castiel?" Jimmy said to his mom as they sat talking about Dean.

"You don't know Jimmy; you didn't see," she said, "Castiel was happy with him, laughing."

"So what, he laughs a lot when he's around us."

"True, but…maybe he trust Dean enough to…" she trailed off.

"What mom? Let Dean touch him? Tell him what happen; why he's afraid of people?" he yelled as he paced.

"Jimmy please."

"No mom!" he said tears filling his eyes. "I'm his brother! I'm supposed to protect him." he said as the tears fell. "I'm the older brother even if it is only by five minutes. I…I'm s-suppose to protect him." he sobbed.

She walked over to her son and pulled him into a loving hug, "You have and you will continue to, but you need to trust others. Let him move on. You have to let someone else love him and care for him," she said. When there was a knock on the door, she sighed, "Stay here and calm down. You can take Sam up to your room after you've calmed." she said before walking to get the door.

"Hi, Miss Novak" Sam said.

"Hello boys," she said before looking at Dean. He was tense and visibly nervous and holding a pie, "Hello Dean," she said. "Would you like to put that on the table?"

Dean looked down, seemingly a little confused, "Oh yeah…um sorry. I made this for Cas. I remember he said he love cherry pie more than the others."

"Cas?" she tilted her head.

"Oh yeah, I called him that before. He didn't seem to mind…" he said looking up at her.

"Oh! No, no, It-it's wonderful. Please come on in," she said beaming at the boy. "Here, Castiel didn't have breakfast so I'll cut some pie for the both of you," she grabbed the pie, and walked towards the kitchen. Placing it on the table, she went to get the knife, forks, and plates.

Jimmy was standing against the wall. "Can I go talk with Sam now?" he asked.

She looked up from cutting the pie; his face was red and his eyes looked irritated and puffy. She sighed, "Yes, you boys go ahead."

Jimmy walked out of the kitchen, "Hey Sam."

"Hey Jimmy; what was it you wanted to show me?" he asked.

Jimmy itched at his wrist guard, "I did a project a while back, and I have some papers on Apollo 13 you might find helpful." He looked down and his wrist, "Man I hate this thing."

"Stop scratching it," his mother said.

"Alright, alright, jeez! Come on Sam," he said leading him up stairs.

"Here you..." she was cut off by the muffled sound of music. "Sounds like Cassie found his stereo," she sighed. "Take this up to him, and tell him to turn that down." She handed him the slices of pie and directed, "Last door on your left."

Dean nodded before going up stairs. As he got closer to the room he smiled at the song that was playing, "Kid has good taste," he whispered to himself. He got to Castiel's door and tapped it knowing it was a useless gesture as the music was louder than Dean first thought, so he pushed the door open and saw Castiel putting things away while dancing along. Castiel's hips swayed as he reached to place a book on the shelf. Dean placed the plates down and walked over reaching to help.

Castiel flinched back and fell over, "Don't!" he exclaimed, but it was muted by the music.

Dean went over to the stereo and turned it off, "Cas, are you okay?" he asked reaching to help him up.

Castiel moved back "No, just…d-don't touch me." he said in a strangled whisper, mentally punching himself for the hurt in Dean's beautiful eyes.

"Okay." Dean said confusion in his voice.

Castiel looked down at the ground and shifted in the awkward silence. "Thanks," he said.

"For what?" Dean asked '_I scared the crap out of you,' _he thought.

"The book." he said looking up frowning at Dean's hurt expression "So um... what's up?" he asked walking over to his bed.

"Oh, Jimmy wanted to show Sam something, and I made you pie," he said walking over to where he'd set the plates down.

Castiel watched him as he walked closer carrying the plates, "Thank you," he said in a quiet, almost awed voice. Castiel moved over. "Here, please sit."

Dean sat down next to Castiel on the opposite side of the bed. Castiel's heart sank, because, now Dean was afraid to be near him. "You did the same thing at school," Dean said quietly.

"Dean, please…" Castiel put down his plate.

"Are you afraid of me, or something?" he asked looking at Castiel and finally noticing how tired he looked. "You didn't sleep well last night." It wasn't a question.

"Sometimes I have nightmares…" he trailed off as memories filled his mind.

Dean saw the pain in Castiel's eyes and decided that it would be best to changed the subject, "So how's your pie?" he asked stuffing a forkful in his mouth.

Castiel smiled and looked down at his plate before taking a bite. This time he let the moan escape his lips as the taste of cherry pie exploded on his tongue. He smiled and looked a Dean, "This makes me very happy. You keep baking like this and I might come live with you." he laughed.

Dean smiled, "Thanks. I'll have to bake more often then," he said looking over to Castiel. They stared into each other's eyes for what seemed like years as they slowly moved closer. Dean felt as if he'd known Castiel for years, that the answers to all the boy's secrets might be found in his eyes. Dean broke the stare when he glanced down at his boy's lips. So close, just a little bit further and…

"Castiel, some kids are at the door looking for..." Jimmy froze as the two quickly jumped away from each other. The plate in Castiel's lap hit the ground and shattered.

Castiel's eyes grew wide with terror "No." he whispered as he knelt down to clean it up.

"Dammit Cassie," Jimmy cursed before walking over to help.

"Father said broken glass was bad luck." Castiel whispered to his brother.

Jimmy's blood pressure went up before he slammed Castiel into the wall and held him there by his shoulders. "He wasn't your father!" Jimmy shouted.

"J-Jimmy. P-Please "Castiel pleaded his eyes tearing up.

"Jimmy stop!" Dean shouted standing.

Jimmy stood up and glared at Dean, "You don't belong here Dean; you can't help him!" he yelled. "You're just making it worse."

"Jimmy stop!" Castiel shouted standing up.

"What is the shouting?" their mother yelled standing in Castiel's room, arms folded across her chest in disappointment. "Jimmy, down stairs," she said.

"But mom, Castiel called him father again," he said. She didn't say anything just pointed to the door. Jimmy shook his head and shot Dean a glare that quickly faded when he saw tears in the boy's eyes.

Castiel saw Dean's face and stepped forward "Dean...?" he said quietly.

Dean looked at the floor in embarrassment "I-" he choked out before walking out of the room, brushing past Castiel's mom. When Dean got down stairs he saw the group of people standing at the door, Sam was looking up at them and talking.

Dean froze on the stair case only looking back when he heard his name "Dean wait!" Castiel yelled, running towards the steps. He missed the first step and fell.

To Dean everything went into slow motion; he saw Cas trip and fall forward. He wasn't thinking when he reached out to catch Castiel.

To Castiel only one thing was on his mind as he reached out for Dean, _Green._

~o~

So who can guess the song that was playing...?

I'll give you a hint. It had something to do with the flavor of pie.

Thank you for reading and thanks to my Beta :)

Also the next update shouldn't be that faraway, I already have half of it written. 


	3. Who's Chris?

Thank you so much for the reviews.

A\N: Olay i lied this took for ever to update and I'm sorry. You're going to learn what happened to Castiel as a child in the next chapter so I hope this chapter confuses you XD Cause I'm evil like that.

WARNING: You may cry during this chapter.

~o~

Dean wrapped his arms around Castiel's waist, and he fell back. He tried to relax for the impact of the ground.

Castiel grabbed Dean's shoulders and tried to avoid head butting Dean, but ended up pushing Dean back so that he hit the ground even harder.

Jimmy froze; his mind racing with a million scenarios of what might happen. Would Castiel freak, and have a break down?

Castiel's world went black for a moment before he could hear the familiar sound of pained screams, and broken cries. He felt a cold sweat wash over him as his darkest memories came back to life. The world he was in, and the world he wanted to be in started to fight against each other.

Dean had clenched his eyes shut before he hit the ground, and now as he slowly started to open his eyes he saw a trembling Castiel straddling him. Castiel's eyes were clenched shut as his body shook, and Dean knew something bad was about to happen. He tilted his head back to look up at his brother and the group of his friend "Sam. Sam get them out of here," he ordered.

Sam hesitated before giving his brother a nod.

Jimmy looked at his trembling brother and then to his terrified mother who was slowly walked down the stairs.

Dean didn't know what to do; should he move, or say something? He thought before quietly whispering, "Cas?"

Castiel's grip on his shoulder became tighter as his mind won and reality shrank away as the nightmare took over.

Jimmy knew what was happening; he knew even better than his mother did, and he was gonna hate himself for this. He slowly moved forward toward the two teens. "Castiel," he said firmly as if ordering him to do something. "Castiel!" he said louder and harsher. He tried to ignored Dean's confused looks as he took a deep breath. He was going to regret this "Chris." he said.

Castiel flinched at the name, and his body started to tremble even more.

"Christopher! I want you to look at me," he ordered.

"Jimmy!" his mother said, "Enough."

Castiel sat up, letting go of Dean's shoulders. Dean frown deepened when he saw Castiel's shoulders trembling.

Jimmy was closer to them now, just an arms length away. "I said look at me!" he said yanking Castiel's arm so he was standing on shaky feet. Jimmy looked down at Dean and nodded toward to the door.

Dean nodded as he slowly got to his feet and made his way to the door.

Jimmy turned his attention back to his brother. "Look at me."

"Father. Please." Castiel pleaded with a shaky breath.

"Open your eyes."

Castiel slowly opened his eyes, but he didn't see his living room. He saw the place he had nightmares about. He had to get out of here; he'd done it before, he just had to remember how. The door was unlocked, and he ran. He ran and left the people he learned to call family, but they all got out…right? He got help. He ran, and someone found him and helped him. The police found his family, but his father wasn't there. He was looking for the boy who ran away. The one who told.

Jimmy could see Castiel was in his own world, the one he was never able to completely escape. Jimmy brought his hands up to cup Castiel's face. "Come on," he said "Wake up. Wake up!" he shook Castiel a little.

Castiel's attention was on the sound of the door. He paid close attention to the sound of the door clicking closed and notice there was no click for the lock. Castiel waited a long moment before pushing Jimmy away and running for the door.

When Jimmy was pushed away he lost his balance and his head hit the edge of the last step. "Jimmy!" his mother yelled running down the steps, and carefully lifted his limp head. She gasped at the gash on his forehead that was dripping with blood.

Dean was outside talking with his friend. "What was that all about?" Ash asked with a smile.

Dean frowned with anger. "It's not funny Ash," he said. "Something happened to this kid, and I think it really messed with him."

Jo's eyes lit up. "Do I smell a case?" she asked.

Dean looked thoughtful but then shook his head. "We can't. I promised we'd stop," he said.

"But Dean, it's not like we're digging up dirt on the kid," Chuck said. "We're just trying to find out how to help him."

Dean looked at his friends as the stared at him with hopeful eyes and sighed. "Alright. But only if something drastic happens, got it?"

Sam looked up at him. "Can I help this time?" he asked "Please?"

Dean looked down and smiled, "I'll think about it."

Sam smiled and fist pumped the air. Every time Dean said I'll think about it he knew it meant yes. They all jumped when Castiel burst out of the front door heading for the street. Even though there weren't any cars Dean knew it was dangerous. "Hey, Castiel!" he yelled running after the frightened boy.

"Dean!" Sam yelled as he watched his brother chase after Cas.

Just as Castiel stepped foot on the road Dean grabbed his arm and pulled him back, accidentally throwing him to the ground. Dean looked down at the trembling boy and crouched down to comfort him.

"Don't touch him!" Came a British accented voice from behind him.

Dean turned around to see two guys a few years older then him getting out of a car. They started to walk towards them. Dean stood up and watched them kneel down.

"Castiel?" the accent said cupping the boys face. Then he looked at the teen with the honey brown hair. "How can this still be happening to him Gabriel?" he asked.

Gabriel shook his head. "He was the one that got the worst of it," he said before looking up at Dean. "Do you know him?" he asked.

Dean nodded "Y-yes I live across the street," he said nervously, yet a bit defiantly as well.

"Good, do you know were Jimmy is?"

"He was inside trying to..." What was he trying to do to? Dean thought. "Comfort Cas. He called him Christopher," he said.

Gabriel looked at the other man before he looked back up at Dean "Okay, thank you" he said.

"Cassie's really out of it this time."

It took a moment for it to reach his ears, but Castiel heard it _Cas. _Only one person called him that "Dean," he whispered.

Gabriel looked down at Castiel, "Dean?" Then looked at his companion and asked, "Balthazar?" wondering if he might know.

Balthazar shrugged. "We didn't know a Dean," he said.

Dean looked between them before kneeling down. Looking at Castiel he said, "My name is Dean."

The two boys looked at him. "What?"

Balthazar thought for a moment looking at Castiel's pained face. "Wait!" he said looking at Dean, "What did you say?"

Dean looked confused, defiant, and scared, "I said, my name's Dean"

"No. No, before that what did you call him?"

Dean frowned, "Cas. Why?"

Castiel stopped trembling and his features smoothed out; his eye started to open "Gabe?" he said when he saw the man in front of him.

"Hey, yeah kiddo, it's me," he said.

Castiel sat up and gasped, "Jimmy!" He stood and ran into his house.

The three stood up and looked at the house before looking at each other, then back at Dean, "Gabriel," he introduced himself, holding out his hand, "And this is Balthazar."

Dean smiled, "Dean," he said taking Gabriel's hand, "Winchester."

Balthazar was beaming, "Do you know John Winchester?"

Dean frowned, "Yeah...yeah, he's my dad."

Gabriel grabbed Balthazar's arm leading him away, "It was nice to meet you Dean."

"You, too," Dean said before walking back to his friends.

"Well if that wasn't drastic..." Jo said.

Dean glared at her and said, "Ash, you got your computer?"

Ash snorted and said, "When don't I?"

Dean nodded. "Alright let's go" he said leading them to his house.

~o~

Castiel walked into his house to see Jimmy slowly sit up. "Jimmy," he breathed his brother's name guiltily. He ran over to them, "Jimmy, I'm so sorry."

Jimmy looked at him "Don't be; it's not like it's your fault." The anger in his voice cut right through Castiel.

Castiel looked at his mother as Jimmy walked away into the kitchen. His mother frowned, "Give him a little time," she said pulling her son into a hug.

"Castiel!" Gabriel said walking into the house with Balthazar following behind him.

Guinevere looked up at the two older teenaged boys. "Gabriel? Balthazar?" She said pulling away from Cas a little.

"Mrs. Novak?" Balthazar said walking forward.

She let go of Castiel and walked to hug Balthazar, "Oh, you've grown so much!" She exclaimed as he squeezed her.

"And you haven't aged a day," he said.

Gabriel looked at them before walking over to where Castiel was sitting on the stairs, "You okay kid?"

Castiel looked up at him. "No, not really," he said plainly before wrapping his arms around Gabriel, "I just want him to go away," he pleaded gripping on to Gabriel's shirt. "I just want to forget!"

Gabriel hugged to boy tight and hushed him softly, "I know kiddo, I know." He rubbed Castiel's back in small soothing circles. He leaned back enough to place a kiss on Castiel's forehead. "Come on," he said pulling the boy up with him as he stood. He smiled down at Castiel, "You should get some rest."

"No!" Castiel's eyes widened with terror, his body shaking, as he pleadingly whispered, "Don't make me. Please. I don't want to go back there."

"Hey, hey shhhh..." Gabriel pulled him into another embrace. "It's okay. I'll be there. I'll keep you safe," he promised.

Castiel nodded against his chest before turning to lead him upstairs. Castiel hesitated when reaching for the door knob.

Gabriel followed the shaking boy into his room, and when Castiel just stood next to the bed glaring at it with fear and hate Gabriel put a hand at the small of his back. When Castiel looked up at him, he smiled and sat on the bed, "Time there weren't so bad. You and me used to play games when we were allowed outside." Castiel give a small smile, "And do you remember the stories I used to tell you before we'd go to sleep?"

Castiel nodded and watched as Gabriel toed off his shoes, and lay down on the bed. Castiel slowly lay down next to him and gently rested his head on the older teens chest, "Can you tell me one now?" he asked.

Gabriel let out a small sigh, "Oh well let's see...Once upon a time, there was a beautiful boy," he started, "and the most beautiful thing about this boy was his eyes. They used shine a brilliant blue, but his eyes had become forlorn and dull with lost hope. For this small child was locked away in a dark place that no one ever escaped from," he smiled as Castiel shifted closer to him. "But one day he saw a crack in the wall of his chamber, his eyes started to shine once more with the hope that someone had found him. Then a beam of light came from somewhere above, and an angel appeared before him. This magnificent being looked to the boy and said 'The one with the ocean eyes. Do not fear me, for it is your time.' The angel reached a hand out to the boy 'I am here to carry you to your true home.' Now the boy knew this place was above the sky that he longed to see. Above the dark clouds that hung over his head. Though the boy knew of death, he was not afraid of what awaited him. So with a pale shaky hand he grabbed the angel's, and as they flew high into the blue sky his pain and sorrow seemed to melt away with the tears of the angel that grieved for the boy. For this angel felt the boy's pain and had seen all the pain of this brave boy's life. Then the angel was shocked by this boy. A boy that had known no comfort reached up, hugged the angel and whispered 'don't cry. You have no reason to, for you've saved me from my pain, and ended my torture.' The angel looked down at the child to find a smile on his face 'Thank you, thank you" the boy chimed. And as the gates of heaven opened for the boy, the angel placed him down and watch with tears sliding down his cheek as the child that had gone through so much bad ran off into the clouds, his laughter echoing in his saviors mind. Those brilliant blue eyes shined bright in his memory forever," Gabriel whispered the end knowing Castiel was asleep, and as the boy on his chest snored softly Gabriel wiped the tears that stained his own face.

~o~

Dean paced in his room as his team worked. He watch Ash stretch. "Man it's good to be working a case again," Ash said before going back to his research.

Jo was sitting at the window with her pocket size binoculars. "Your dad still isn't home, and there's been little movement at the Novak house."

Crowley sat at Dean's back looking through old newspapers, "These are useless."

Dean chuckled, "You said you wanted to help."

Sam sighed and looked up at his brother. "What can I do?" he asked.

Dean thought for a moment. _'Do you know John Winchester'_ echoed in his head. His eyes lit up with an idea. "Thank God you're still small," he said before walking over to his dresser and looking through the top drawer. "Sam do you still remember how to pick a lock like I showed you?"

"Yeah"

Dean pulled a little leather pouch out and walked over kneeling down in front of him, "I want you to go into Dads office and looked through his files. Grab anything labeled Novak, Balthazar, or Castiel."

Sam nodded before heading off on his mission. He turned when Dean said, "Oh and look for anything marked Christopher, too."

Dean stood up and turned around, "Okay, has anyone found anything yet?"

Ash sighed, "Well after searching the internet for too long and finding jack shit, I'm trying to hack into the Police Department data base."

Dean nodded and sat down on his bed next to the stack of year old papers.

Jo jumped, "Hey we got movement at the Novak house."

Dean stood knocking the papers off the bed, ignoring Crowley's smart mouth comment. He quickly made his way next to Jo, "What's going on?"

Jo shook her head, "Can't tell," she said. "The shades are down. Looks like two people talking in the second floor window. I'll let you know if there's anything new."

Dean nodded walking back towards the bed. Since Crowley didn't bother to pick up the papers, he did it himself. He picked up two or three and threw them on the bed. As he went to pick up another he read the headline '**MISSING BOY FOUND ALIVE AFTER SEVEN YEARS'** Dean picked up the paper and looked at the pictures of a small child and a sickly looking young teen. It took him a moment to recognize who the picture was of, "Oh my God!"

Jo jumped up and yelled, "Your Dads home!"

Dean looked up at her "Shit, Sammy!" he called out before running into the hall to stall his Dad.

~o~

Sam slowly made his way down the hall to his father's office, taking out the tools Dean gave him knowing the door would be locked. He carefully did what Dean taught him to do, and soon he heard the lock click. He opened the door slowly, and took out the pen light Dean had gotten for him. _'Only use for spy stuff' _he smiled at how dumb his brother sounded sometimes. He slowly moved towards the filing cabinet where his father kept all his cases involving children. He tried to open the middle drawer forgetting that this was their dad he was talking about. Rolling his eyes at having failed to think of the added security, he slowly started to pick that lock too.

When he got it open he gritted his teeth in annoyance at how unorganized the files were. He sighed as he put the pen light between his teeth and started looking through them. He was about three fourths of the way through the pile when he saw something interesting. It was a file labeled Novak, Castiel; he carefully pulled it out and read the one bellow it. It was labeled Smith, Balthazar; Sam grabbed that one as well before closing the cabinet. He was walking towards the door when he heard Dean in the hallway, '_Dad wait, how was your day?'_

'Shit!' Sam thought as he locked the door and looked around the room in panic, 'Dad's home.' Sam thought fast and ran towards the table in the corner of the room that had a vase on it. It had a long table cloth that reach the floor, so he lifted it and crawled underneath holding the files close.

John entered the room and sighed shaking his head before closing the door. He walked over to his desk and sat down, opening his notebook and writing down today's events.

Sam looked down at the files as curiosity ate away at him. He shrugged before opening Castiel's file to read it, as he read his mouth opened wide in shock.

~o~

Thank you for reading, and a huge thank you to my Beta! Please review!


	4. good things are so hard to remember

The next morning Castiel was woken up next to Gabriel. "Castiel?" he asked quietly.

Castiel groaned in disapproval, this was the first night in a long time that he slept without a single nightmare. Castiel slowly opened his eyes to see Gabriel "What?" he asked.

Gabriel smiled, "Your mom says you need to get up."

Castiel sat up slowly, and rubbed his eyes, "Why?"

"She said you have to go see your therapist," he said with a frown.

Castiel groaned. "I don't wanna," he whined standing up and stretching. Castiel looked at Gabe, "You didn't have to stay all night."

"I think I did," Gabriel smiled sadly as he left the room.

Castiel was puzzled by what Gabriel said. He stood, grabbed his clothes and walked into his bathroom.

Jimmy sat at the breakfast table with his head resting against the cool wood.

He jump when his mother tapped his shoulder. "Are you alright, honey?" she asked.

Jimmy nodded then hissed. He cradled his pounding head and whispered, "I'll be fine."

"He isn't happy," Gabriel said entering the kitchen.

Balthazar sighed, "I can't believe he's still like this," he said shaking his head. "After three years!"

Gabriel leaned against the counter and poured a cup of coffee. "Well, he was Alistair's favorite," he said in disgust. "God knows what happened to him."

Jimmy, again forgetting that movement increased the pounding, shook his head. "I fucking hate this," he said before again grabbing his head.

His mother gasped in disbelief, "Jimmy!" she exclaimed.

He glared at her. "Well I am!" he yelled, his head hating him for it. "I hate seeing him like this! I don't have one good memory of him!" He said trying to hold back his tears. He looked between the people in the room before looking at his mom. "You know what I remember?" he asked "I remember playing tag in the park. He was it, and as I ran ahead of him, teasing him about how slow he was he stopped to catch his breath, but I didn't stop. I just kept running..."

"Jimmy," he mother whispered brokenly.

"I kept running, and the only reason I stopped was because I saw him get pulled into that car," he said as his tears fell. "It was my fault he got taken."

Balthazar stood from the table and walked over to the boy and pulled him into a hug. He quietly hushed him. "This wasn't your fault," he said. "Don't blame yourself."

"I should have stayed close to him," he sobbed into Balthazar's chest.

"You could not have done anything. You were just a kid."

Gabriel heard Castiel coming down the stairs; he turned to Guinevere who was now in tears. Without speaking he nodded to her and quickly walked to the stairs to catch Castiel. "Hey kiddo," he said with a smile, "Let's go to therapy."

Castiel frowned and asked, "Mom's not taking me?"

Gabriel shook his head, "She has a headache, so she's going to rest a little longer."

"Oh," Castiel said following Gabriel out to his car. The car ride was mostly silent until Gabriel's curiosity got the best of him.

"How've you been Castiel?" he asked.

Castiel looked at him and tilted his head, "Fine."

Gabriel sighed, "Bullshit Castiel. I pulled up yesterday to find you screaming bloody murder with some kid trying to calm you down!" He looked at Castiel for a second before looking back to the road.

Castiel shook his head and gave a small laugh, "Why don't you leave that to my therapist."

Gabriel gripped the steering wheel tighter. "Dammit Castiel, you know I know you better then anyone! Now tell me why this keeps happening!" he shouted.

"I don't know!" Castiel screamed back. He didn't want to remember, but the harder he tried to forget the more he remembered. He looked down at his lap. "I don't know, and I don't want to. I. Just. Want. It. To. Stop."

Gabriel sighed and loosened his grip on the steering wheel. He understood what Castiel was going through, which wasn't the greatest thing in the world. He sighed as he stopped the car, opening his mouth he looked at the young teenager and closing it again. He wanted to say something, but didn't know what, so without a word he got out of the car and started to walk towards the clinic.

Castiel looked up and watched with wide eyes. He couldn't walk to the door by himself, he thought. What if it happens again? What if he got taken again? Castiel swallowed his nerves and slowly got out of the car. As he stepped onto the sidewalk he looked around to make sure no one was around, and then he quickly made his way over to Gabriel.

The clinic wasn't large, and the room they were in now was mostly taken up by the front desk. As they walked up to the front desk Castiel thought to himself, '_I hate therapy._'

~That night at Dean's~

Sam waited until John left his study to crawl out from underneath the table, and quickly make his way to Dean's room. Once he was there he saw how Dean was making everyone leave.

"Dean. We have a right to know," Jo protested. "We're part of the team!"

Dean sighed, "And you will know." Pausing to think, he looked at his friends before saying, "After you get to know Cas, then I'll tell you what I've learned. Now go!"

Jo huffed, "Fine."

Once they were all gone Sam took Dean's hand and pulled him back into the room. He pushed Dean down onto his bed, and threw the files down next to him. He was angry, but not at Dean; He looked at Dean "I-I" Sam tried to speak but he didn't know what to say.

Dean understood, "I know," he said quietly.

Sam shook his head as tears formed in his eyes, "Who could do that to little kids?" he asked with a broken voice.

Dean grabbed Sam's arm and pulled him into a hug. "I don't know Sammy," he whispered.

"I mean, how's Jimmy taking this?" he looked up at Dean. "Losing your brother at such a young age... and then when he comes home he has the memory of being..."

Dean hushed his baby brother. "It'll be okay," he said shaking his head, angry at himself. "I shouldn't have sent you to get the files. You shouldn't have to know about this," he said.

Shaking his head Sam pulled away and said, "I'm fine."

"Sam you're twelve," he said, "You shouldn't have to know about this."

Sam stiffed. "But what if it were you who got taken, Dean?" he said "What if it was me?"

"Then I would have kicked some serious ass until I found you," he said. "Dad wouldn't sleep until you were home, and the guy that hurt you," he said standing, "would get his lungs ripped out."

Sam looked up at him and nodded. "It's just..." he paused as he felt a strange pain in his heart. "Is that why he reacted the way he did when you touched him?"

Dean's jaw clench as he looked out his widow to the house next door. "I don't know Sam," he said looking back to his brother. He gave him a warm smile, "Now get to bed."

Sam smiled up at him before walking towards the door, "Alright. Jerk."

"Night, bitch" he said, laughing as he closed his door. Dean walked over to his bed and sat down with a frown as he picked up the files and started reading.

~o~

Castiel shifted uncomfortably on the couch as he glanced cautiously at the therapist.

She smiled at him and quietly asked, "How are you Castiel?"

Castiel snorted "Well besides being up at six to talk to you? Crap-tastic," he half joked.

She laughed quietly.

"Okay," he said.

"Now how about we get to know each other a little." she said, "Or we can get straight to what's bothering you, if you'd like."

Castiel thought for a moment. He knew he wanted the dreams to stop, but he didn't want to talk about it right then. "Do you have a first name, Dr. Singer?" he asked.

She smiled and took her glasses off, "Ellen. How do you like it here so far? Have you made any new friends?"

Castiel looked down and shrugged, "I guess this place is alright, and..." he paused and shook his head.

Ellen smiled, "And what, Castiel?" she said.

"Nothing," he said leaning back against the couch. "It's just…there's this kid that I think I have a crush on."

Ellen nodded, "Does this crush have a name?" she asked.

Castiel smiled and looked down at his hands. "Dean," he said softly, "But I've only known him for three days so…I don't know."

Ellen smiled softly, "Sometimes it doesn't take long for the heart to know what it wants," she said.

Castiel looked at her. "But I don't even know if he's the same way," he said frowning as Ellen looked at him confused. He sighed, "Ya' know…gay?

Ellen frowned, "Castiel, why do you say that as if it was an illness, as if you may have a disease?"

Castiel looked down. "My father," he said, "he's religious, and when he heard what happened to me after I was found? He…couldn't handle it." he said.

Ellen nodded, "How did that affected you?"

Castiel shook his head. "Once I got home he made me read the bible," he said "and then when I stopped talking, and wouldn't pray…" he said his voice becoming more broken. "He locked me in the basement. That pushed me back into that nightmare I had been living in for so long. Being in the dark for what felt like a life time, the beatings we'd get when we disobeyed, the screams of the others." He started to sob, "Everything…"

Ellen, knowing of his condition laid a comforting hand on the couch next to Castiel, "It's okay; that's all over; you're safe now." she said.

"NO!" Castiel shouted. "I'll never be safe; not until he's caught!" he yelled through angry sobs. He wrapped his arms around himself.

Ellen, a little surprised they had spoken so long before an outburst, didn't flinch. "Okay," she said "Why don't you tell me more about Dean."

Castiel looked up at her and saw she was holding a tissue for him. He nodded taking the tissue and sat back down. "He's sweet," he said with a shaky smile. "He bakes a lot, and doesn't look at me like I'm Elphaba or something" he said.

Ellen smiled "Elphaba?" she asked.

Castiel looked at her and nodded. "When I was good fath…Alistair would take me out sometimes," he said. "One time he took me to see 'Wicked'. I loved it, and I was obsessed with Elphaba because she was feared just because she was born green." He grinned sheepishly, "I guess I still compare myself to her because people are afraid to come near me too."

"But not Dean," she said.

Castiel shook his head, seemingly a bit confused, "No, I don't know how but he just seems to know my limits, which is strange since I've known him only a short time. He doesn't push me, or try to touch me," he said. "He doesn't ask questions, but he still talks to me, sits with me."

Ellen smiled, and thinking out loud let slip, "Sounds like Dean."

Castiel's eyes widened, "You know Dean?"

Ellen sighed and nodded, "Yes I do."

"Is he one of your patients?"

"You know, I really can't talk about that with you Castiel."

Castiel frowned, "Why?"

"Well, it's against the rules. Besides, we are here to talk about you." she said.

"Please I won't tell him you told me," he begged.

"Castiel I could loose my job," she said, "and don't try those puppy dog eyes on me, because they won't work." Ellen sighed, "I'm sorry Castiel, but you will have to speak with Dean," she looked at her watch. "We're out of time for today. We will speak again soon. I have enjoyed getting to know you a little Castiel."

Castiel stood up. "You too, Ellen. Thank you," he said as he left.

~o~

Jimmy was sitting on the couch flipping through a book when Gabriel and Castiel got home. As soon as Jimmy saw Castiel he ran over and wrapped him in a hug. "I'm sorry," he said "I'm not mad, or angry, or anything, okay?" he said.

Castiel nodded as he hugged his brother, "I know. And I'm sorry about your head. Is mom feeling better?"

Jimmy tilted his head, "Yeah, she's fine, and don't worry about it; you know I have the hardest head around," he said with a grin.

Castiel smiled and walked into the kitchen where he found his mother talking with Balthazar. He ran over to her and wrapped his arms around her. "I love you," he said.

"I love you too" she said with a smile, surprise at Castiel's sudden show of affection. 

Balthazar gave a small fake sobbing noise, "I feel the love," he joked.

Gabriel walked in and pulled Balthazar into a hug. "I love you, too, Balty," he jokingly sobbed.

Castiel laughed as he turned around to look at them. Then his vision started to blur; Balthazar and Gabriel weren't in their late teens anymore. They were little again; the kitchen was dark and Castiel felt reality start to fade.

Castiel closed his eyes, and shook his head. "No," he whispered as he tried to keep the memories at bay.

Jimmy saw this and walked over to him, "Stay with me Castiel," he said.

Castiel opened his eyes, and saw Jimmy. "I'm fine," he said with a force smile, "Fine." He walked away heading towards his room. Once he was inside he closed the door, walked over to his bed, and slowly sat down. "Why won't this stop?" he asked himself as he laid down covering his face with his pillow.

~o~

Dean was awakened by a knock at his door. "Yeah?" he asked groggily as he stretched. Dean looked down at his chest and realized he'd fallen asleep reading Castiel's file.

"You gonna wake up sometime today?"

Dean quickly covered the files with a blanket as his dad walked in "Yeah…Yeah, I'm up" he said with a smile.

John studied Dean for a moment before crossing his arms, "What did you do?" he asked.

Dean laughed, "I didn't do anything."

John gave him a look, "mhmm" he hummed. "Well just know that if you did do something I'll find out, and trust me…you don't want me to find out." John and Dean stared at each other for a while. John sighed, "Now get you ass ready, and get down stairs."

"Yes sir," Dean said in a mocking voice.

"Smartass," John said as he left the room.

John walked into the kitchen where Mary was standing looking out the window, "Is he up?" she asked.

John sighed standing next to her, "Yeah he's awake."

"Are you sure it's the same boy?" she asked.

John nodded. "It has to be," he said. "I'll never forget the night I found him in the middle of the road screaming about how if his father found him he'd lock him in the bad room." he said. He body shook with a disgusted shiver.

"Does Dean remember?" she asked.

John shook his head, "I don't think so; Castiel doesn't look anything like he use to," he said. "He looks good. Healthy; strong"

Mary nodded before sighing, "But why'd they move here?" she asked, pain in her voice. "Why bring him back to where it all happened?"

John shrugged wrapping an arm around her. "Maybe they think it's safer for him," he said. "We never caught the guy, so they know he'd never be stupid enough to come back here." he laughed.

Mary's frowned deepened, "Or maybe he was smart enough to know to come back."

John's smile slowly faded as he thought of what his wife said. He opened his mouth to say something when Dean walked into the kitchen.

"How's it hanging mom?" he asked picking up an apple.

Mary looked at her son with a smile. "Just fine dear," she said "Glad to see you're finally awake," she said walking over and kissing his forehead.

Dean blushed and said, "Yeah I was up all night working. On my homework" he quickly added so it didn't sound like he was up to no good.

Mary laughed, "Good." She patted his shoulder. "Now, go clean you room" she ordered.

"But mom!" Dean whined.

John smiled, "Listen to your mother, Dean."

Dean groaned, "But it's not dirty." He watched his parents both cross their arms. He rolled his eyes, "Fine, I'll clean my room," he said storming up stairs.

"Thank you!" his mother called after him.

~o~

Castiel's body was trembling as a thirteen year old Gabriel slowly moved closer to him.

Gabriel reached for Castiel's shirt with shaky hands, "I'm sorry," he whispered.

Castiel lifted his arms as Gabriel took his shirt off. "Why is there a camera?" he asked quietly glancing out of the corner of his eye.

Gabriel pulled his own shirt off. "That's how father makes money," he said leaning down and kissing Castiel slowly and gently.

Castiel was shocked by the action and tried to move away, but Gabriel stopped him by grabbing the back of his neck. When he pulled away Castiel looked at him with fear. "Why am I here? Why are you doing this?" he asked quietly.

Gabriel sighed, "Just be quiet, I'll tell you in the morning."

Castiel startled awake, his body covered in a cold sweat and his heart pounding in his chest. He looked around his room and notice that he'd fallen asleep, and it was just a dream. He grabbed the stuffed dog that he's had since he got out of that hellhole, but he couldn't remember how he got it.

Knowing he should, he tried to remember the night he was found. He remembered running out of the house he had been trapped in, and the neighborhood looked empty because it was night time. Then he ran away from the house as fast as could, but he was weak because father was angry at him and had stopped feeding him. After what felt like hours of running he was stopped by an officer.

Castiel closed his eyes to try and remember his name tag. He could see the man's uniform, and the small rectangle had the first letter of his first name. J. J what?

Castiel groaned in frustration, "Why can't I remember?" he said throwing the dog across the room. He stood up and paced back and forth "J something," he said closing his eyes again.

"_Hey kid!' the officer yelled walking closer to him._

"Dad! What's going on?"

Castiel opened his eyes there had been someone else with the officer; it was a kid. Castiel walked over to the dog. He smiled as he picked it up, "You remember don't you?" he said to the toy. Then he sighed, "Of course, the only one who remembers is a damn stuffed dog."

"Castiel?" Balthazar asked walking into his room.

Castiel looked up at him, "Hey Balty," he said.

Balthazar smiled. "I heard a thud. I thought I might come up and make sure you didn't fall out of bed," he joked.

Castiel gave a small smile, "No I'm awake," he said walking over to his bed.

Balthazar frowned and sat down next to him, "Everything okay?"

Castiel was silent for a moment before saying, "I guess."

"What's the face all about?" Balthazar asked with a smile.

"I don't know," he said.

Balthazar inched closer, "Oh, but I think you do know."

Castiel's smile faded, "It doesn't matter anymore; he probably hates me…or is afraid of me."

Balthazar put a hand on his back, "I see," he said "You have a crush."

Castiel nodded, "But I freaked him out yesterday."

"Well you never know," he said. "This kid may like you too, and if he really cares about you and wants to know you, he won't be scared away by what happened yesterday."

Castiel smiled and nodded, "But what if he doesn't like me?"

Balthazar thought for a moment, "Well, I guess you'll find out tomorrow." he said standing "Now come on, you should eat something." he said.

Castiel nodded, and followed him down stairs.

~o~


	5. Things you don't know about me

**A/N: **Sorry it took so long to update! I'm not going to say that the nnext chapter will be up soon cause everytime I say that it NEVER happens. Also I would like to tell you that this chapter will leave you with out any questions at all but... YOU'RE GOING TO BE REALLY CONFUSED! so sorry about that.

Hope you enjoy! Don't forget to review. And a thank you to my beta who make your life so much better.

~o~

Jimmy glanced over at his brothers face as they walk through the school doors. He smiled and grabbed Castiel's hand, "You're gonna do great today," he said.

Castiel smiled "You're only saying that because we got here before school opens."

Jimmy laughed, "Well we had to; I made plans to have the janitor open the doors for us." He squeezed Castiel's hand, "You are going to do great because you're a brave kid," he said. They walked through the empty halls to the office in silence. Castiel looked around searching for door ways or bathrooms; anywhere he could quickly get to if the crowd got to bad.

As they entered the office, Castiel looked at Jimmy with a small smile, "Thank you," he said quietly.

"Can I help you?" a woman behind the desk asked.

Jimmy smiled, "Yes," he said walking up to the counter leaving Castiel to stand by himself. "We're new students and we need our schedules."

She smiled, "Okay, your names?"

"James and Castiel Novak," he said.

She smiled and said, "I'll have them printed in just a moment."

After a moment or two a door at the back of the office opened, and Dean walked out holding some papers. Castiel's heart skipped a beat when he saw Dean. He was wearing a dark green shirt with faded blue jeans. All Castiel could do was stare at him and wonder what it would be like to taste his lips.

"Here you go Mrs. Milton," Dean said handing her the papers.

"Thank you, dear," she said. "Could you show these young men to their lockers please?"

Dean looked up, his eyes met Castiel's "Sure!" he said with a smile.

Castiel blushed and looked away. Dean's eyes were such a beautiful shade of green, and his shirt made them look even brighter.

"Come on," Dean said as he hopped over the counter.

"Next time you jump over my desk you'll be in trouble, Boy!" Mrs. Milton said.

Dean laughed. "Yeah, yeah, yeah," he said leaving the office. He turned around to talk with the twins, "Welcome to Thomson High," he said. "Tell me your locker numbers, and I'll lead the way."

Jimmy saw Castiel smile out of the corner of his eye, Maybe Castiel was getting better. Jimmy sighed and looked down at his paper and said, "Um…870."

"Dean thought for a moment, "You in the 400 wing then," he said turning back around.

They followed Dean through the halls.

Dean took his phone out and started to text different people.

"What are you doing?" Castiel asked.

Dean smiled, "Well, I had a look at your schedules, and you two don't have any classes together," he said, "So I figured I'd help you out, and get my friend to help you two around to your classes."

Castiel frowned, "You didn't have to do that." His heart raced, his trust issues made meeting new people difficult.

Dean shook his head, hearing the slight worry in Castiel's tone. "Cas, don't worry they're great kids," he said. "They love making new friends, and they all know the school like the backs of their hands," he laughed.

Castiel smiled nervously, "Okay."

Dean stopped. "Here you go Jimmy, locker 870."

Jimmy walked over to it and looked at his combination as he tried to open it.

Dean looked down the hallway every few seconds. He laughed when Jimmy kicked his locker. "The top sticks on this one. Hit the top of it"

Jimmy hit the top of his locker and it popped open. "Thanks!" he said with a smile.

Dean shrugged, "No problem."

"Oh Deanie, I'm home," Crowley yelled down the hall.

"You Scottish bastard!" Dean laughed as his friends came closer.

Jimmy stood next to Castiel as they hugged Dean.

Castiel smiled, Dean was so loved and cared for. He had so many friends,

Dean smiled at him, which made him blush. "Okay everyone, this is Jimmy," he said pointing to him "and this is Castiel."

Jimmy tilted his head, "You can tell us apart?" he asked.

Dean nodded, "Yeah it's easy."

Castiel looked at Jimmy. "How? Everyone gets us confused," he said, "even our mom."

Jo stepped forward. "Dean has a good memory," she said. "He knows the entire periodic table."

Castiel smiled, "Really?"

Dean blushed, "Yeah."

"So, how do you tell us apart?" Jimmy asked.

"Well besides your voices and the wrist brace," he said, "Castiel has light or dark blue eyes depending on the colors he wears and you have light green colored eyes. Castiel also has a freckle at the corner of his right eye, and he's always tense, while you are more relaxed," Dean said all this while staring at the floor.

Castiel touched the corner of his right eye.

Jimmy stood in amazement, "You really do have a good memory."

Dean looked up at him "No, I just pay closer attention than most people."

That made Castiel wonder, and think about what Dean said. Why did he pay close attention to things?

"Anyway!" Dean said, "Let's get your schedules down."

Castiel tried to pay attention to what Dean was saying, but he was too busy studying Dean's features. Mostly his eyes, they where a dark green and had a unique luster to them. It seemed like he was going to cry because they looked sad even when he laughed, but they didn't seem teary. It was almost like they were hiding something. How did Ellen know Dean?

After that conversation the day went by in a blur. Castiel and Jimmy jumped from person to person getting to know each one of them as they walked to class. Castiel only had one class with Dean and that was sixth period German class.

Castiel was happy because he got to sit next to Dean, and they were partners for the year. Castiel felt safe next to Dean for some reason, and he liked how Dean kept a normal distance from him. Castiel was surprised that Dean didn't treat him weird because of what happened that day, and he never asked about it.

When the end of the day came, Castile and Jimmy stood outside of the school talking about their teachers and how their day went.

Dean walked up to them. "You guys need a ride home?" Dean asked.

Jimmy smiled, "We were just going to walk home."

"Why don't you guys ride with me. I'm sure Sam will be happy to see you, and it's better then walking."

Castiel smiled, "Okay, as long as you don't mind."

Dean beamed, "No, of course not! Come on" he said walking over to his baby.

"Cool car," Jimmy said.

"Thanks," Dean smiled as he opened the passenger side door. "Here Cas, you can sit up front."

Castiel blushed and slowly got into the car.

Dean carefully closed the door before getting into the car. "You okay back there Jimmy?" Dean asked looking behind Castiel's seat.

Jimmy smiled and nodded. Maybe Dean wasn't as bad as he thought; he was really nice to Castiel. Maybe moving back here was a good idea.

Castiel tried to hide the joy it brought him to be sitting next to Dean for the third time that day. Castiel didn't know why he liked Dean so much. He made him happy for some reason. He made Castiel feel safe, like he know everything about him.

Today was the worst day of Dean's life. All he wanted to do is wrap Castiel in a hug and tell him he understood what he was going through…almost too well. Dean didn't want Castiel to see or know that Dean felt bad for him, and that he wanted to kill the fucker that hurt him for seven years of his fucking life. Dean laughed to himself a little. Sam was right, he does have anger issues.

Dean slowed when he saw Sam walking with the girl he likes from his history class. Dean honked his horn causing the younger teens to jump. Dean stuck his head out the window. "You two want a ride home?" he asked.

"No, it's okay we want to walk," Sam replied with a smile

Castiel noticed the very worried look on Dean's face. "Are you sure? It's no trouble to me."

Sam frowned and walked over to the car. He waited for Dean to get out, "Dean we'll be fine, okay?"

Dean shifted and looked around nervously, "I don't want you out here by yourselves. It's not safe."

Sam gave him a weak smile. "It's okay," he said. "I have you on speed dial along with dad. If anything happens you'll be the first to know."

"Sam, sometimes that's not good enough," he said with a firm tone. "You know how I feel about you walking."

Sam frowned. "Dean, please! Look I'll call you when I get to Jess's okay!" Sam mentally punched himself for yelling at Dean. "Dean I'm sorry it's just..."

Dean shook his head. "No don't be; it's my fault," he said smiling at Sam. "I'm being over protective. You can walk home with Jess, and you don't have to call me if you don't want to."

Sam nodded before wrapping his arms around his big brother, "I'll be okay."

Dean hugged Sam tight not wanting to let him go. "I know," he said. He ruffled Sam's hair. "Now go on and have fun."

"Thanks Dean," Sam said running back over to Jess.

"Thanks for offering to drive us Dean!" Jess said.

"No problem. Just be careful!" he said before getting back in the car.

"Everything okay?" Castiel asked.

"Fine," he said without looking at him.

Jimmy bit his lip in thought. Why was Dean so worried about Sam walking a girl home?

Dean stopped in front of the Novak house, "Have a nice night."

Castiel smiled at him, "Thank you Dean, for all your help."

Dean smiled then tilted his head and frowned.

Castiel frowned in return, "What?"

"Nothing," Dean said shaking his head. "I just had a feeling of Déjà vu."

Castiel nodded, "Oh, okay. Bye."

~o~

Jess and Sam watched Dean drive away.

"Does he still have nightmares?" she asked.

Sam frowned, "If he does he keeps it to himself."

Jess looked at the side walk, "Is he still seeing Ellen?"

Sam nodded, "I don't think it's helping though."

"Why do you think that?"

Sam shook his head. "He seems more closed off," he said. "He used to be at least a little comfortable talking to mom and dad about that night, but now, you can't even mention it to him."

"Why?" she asked "Is he ashamed?"

"I don't know," he said squeezing her hand. "It's like he shuts down. He won't talk for the rest of the day, he won't eat or anything... It's like he's disgusted with himself."

"I'm sorry," she said.

Sam looked at her. "Why? It's not your fault."

"It wasn't Dean's fault either," she said her voice filled with sorrow.

"Hey," he said wrapping his arm around her, "Don't worry about what happened to Dean. That was three years ago. It's not your problem, yet."

She looked up at him, "Yet?"

Sam looked down at her. "Well yeah. Dean will be your brother-in-law when we get married."

She beamed at him, exclaiming, "Oh Sam!"

~o~

When Castiel and Jimmy got into the house, Castiel ran straight up to his room.

Gabriel gave Jimmy a look, "School not go okay?"

Jimmy smiled "No! School went great!" he said sitting down on the couch next to Gabriel. He dropped his book bag onto the floor. "We both made new friends that Dean set us up with so we didn't get lost. And then Dean drove us home. I don't know why I ever hated him."

"So Dean and Castiel are close?" he asked.

Jimmy shrugged, "I guess. They seem to act differently around each other. Why?"

Gabriel shrugged. "Just wondering," he said standing, "well guess I should get him to therapy."

Jimmy nodded as he put his ringing phone to his ear, "Hello?" he said.

Gabriel sighed as he made his way to the stairs. Castiel's music was blaring, and Gabriel had the urge to cover his ears as he got closer to the room. He opened the door knowing knocking wouldn't be heard. His jaw dropped when he saw Castiel standing in front of his mirror, his shirt thrown to the floor as he dragged his finger over his scarred chest and stomach. Gabriel never knew that Castiel had gained scars, yet he already knew where they were from.

Castiel turned off his stereo and looked at Gabriel in the mirror. "He said he loved me," he whispered dragging his finger tips against his larger scar that trailed down his stomach to is waistline.

"Castiel?" Gabriel asked.

"My little angel," he laughed darkly, "he called me that every time I didn't gag on him," tears streamed down his face.

Gabriel step forward, "What are you talking about?" he asked.

Castiel laughed again in that dark way. "No one would want me," he said "Not if they knew; not if they saw these."

Gabriel didn't know what to do. Castiel was talking like a mental case. He grabbed Castiel's shoulders roughly. "Snap out of it!" he said before slapping him across the face.

Castiel cupped his cheek and looked at Gabriel.

"I'm sorry," he said pulling Castiel into a strong embrace. "I'm sorry I couldn't protect you."

Castiel held onto Gabriel's shirt. "I am no angel. I am no angel..." he whispered over and over again.

Gabriel hushed him as he rubbed his back "You're someone's angel, and he's waiting for you." he whispered "And he'll be your angel, too."

Castiel nodded, "I think I should go see Ellen."

Gabriel looked down at him. "You actually want to go?"

Castiel wiped away his tears, "I want this to be over."

~o~

Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it and have some questions. If you do review and I might tell you something that makes you even more confused. Sorry I'm really tird right now so just you know... smile and walk away :)


	6. It all comes out

Warnings: Rape, self harming.

**A/N: Sorry for the long wait. I moved in November and just got my internet back a few days ago. So I hope you enjoy, and this wasn't beta'ed so you were warned.**

~o~

Castiel had lived in his house for three months now. School had been going great, he still had his friends dragging him from class to class. Therapy with Ellen wasn't to bad either, they've been making progress, he was now able to shake her hand with out having an 'attack'. Castiel fidgeted in his seat as he and Gabriel waited for Ellen to be done with another patient. Castiel couldn't help but wonder why he thought everyone was out to hurt him. Castiel jump when someone burst through the door.

"Please calm down!" Ellen said.

"No! Screw you Ellen!" Dean yelled "I'm done talking about it, okay. It happen my life sucks so what! It doesn't matter anymore!"

"Yes it does Dean!" she shouted back "If you keep bottling up what you feel you'll never feel better" she said "I know your hurting Dean, this happens every year"

"You don't know shit Ellen!" He said before storming out.

Ellen sighed before looking at Castiel and Gabriel who both had shocked faces. She smiled weakly "Hello Castiel, Gabriel" she said "I'll be with you in a moment I just have to make a call" she said walking back into the room.

Gabriel nodded before looking out the window "That was Dean, wasn't it?" he asked.

Castiel nodded "Yeah" he said looking at Gabriel "Maybe we should go fined him" Gabriel thought for a moment

"I'm sure he's fine" he said.

Castiel frowned "But it's snowing outside"

"It's the middle of January. What'd you expected" he said.

"Gabriel!" he warned.

"What about therapy?"

Castiel stood up "Fuck it! We're leaving"

"I can see you now" Ellen said.

Castiel looked at her "Sorry Ellen, but something came up." he said "My mother has taken ill and we need to leave"

"Oh, okay" Ellen said "Send her my best wishes" she said.

"Will do" Castiel said as he pulled on his jacket.

Gabriel was shocked as they got in the car "You lied to her" he said.

Castiel looked at him "Yeah I know" he said rubbing his numb hands together "Are we going to sit here or..."

Gabriel shook his head "You just lied. You didn't stutter or hesitate... You could never lie before. You'd always screw up"

Castiel looked down at his hands "Yeah, well I lied a lot now a days" he said.

~Three years ago~

_Dean kicked the snow on the ground as he slowly swung back and forth on the swing. How could he do that, Dean trusted him and he turn his back on him. Dean sighed as his phone went off._ _He pulled it out of his pocket "Hello" he said._

"_Dean" he father said on the other line "It's time for dinner, come on home" _

_Dean sighed standing up "Okay" Dean heard his father sigh on the other end, and he knew he had something to add._

"_Dean, your mother told me what happened between you and Azazel" he said "Are you okay?"_

"_I'm as okay as I can be" Dean said._

_John sighed "Okay Dean" he said "Happy thirteenth birthday"_

_Dean gave a small smile "Thanks dad"_

"_Do you want me to come get you" he asked._

"_Nah, I'll just walk" he said._

"_Okay, just be careful"_

"_I will. Bye dad" he said before hanging up._ _Dean sighed as he made his way through the snow. Dean thought Azazel would accept him, but Dean knew that people wouldn't ever really accept him. He gasped when a chunk of snow some how got up his pant leg. He shiver as he pulled up his pant leg to pull it out._ "_Dean!"_

_Dean's head shot up when he heard his name "Azazel?" he asked as the older teen approached him. He frowned when Azazel smiled down at him "What are you doing here?" he asked. _

_Azazel was seventeen. Dean knew that their friendship was odd because of the age difference, but Dean met Azazel when he was seven and they have been friends ever since. But lately Dean had different feelings toward the older boy._

"_I should be asking you that question shouldn't I?" he said with a bright smile._

_Azazel was a handsome teen. He had straight white teeth, and short dirty blond hair. _

_Dean looked up into the boys odd colored yellow eyes "I had to think" he said his teeth chattering as the wind picked up._

_Azazel took his cloves off and grabbed Dean's hands "Well maybe being outside in the snow wasn't the best idea" he said._ _Dean had butterflies in his stomach at how warm Azazel's hands were _

_"Yeah" he said looking at his feet._

"_Dean..." he breath stepping closer lifting Dean's head up "I'm sorry I freaked when you told me" he said using the finger he placed under Dean's chin to tilt his head up more so he could brush his lips against his._

_Dean gasped and tried to take a step back but his foot was stuck in the snow. He almost fell into the snow but a strong arm wrapped around his waist "Azazel!" Dean said as he was pulled against the teen._

_Azazel chuckled "You should be more careful" he said leaning down to whisper in Dean's ear "Such a cluts" he said licking Dean's ear lobe._

_Dean gasped "W-what are y-you doing?" Dean asked trying to push the older teen away._

_Azazel smiled "Your so cute when you're nervous" he said "With that stutter of yours" he said nipping at Dean's neck._

"_Stop" he breathed "A-Azazel I said s-stop!" he said._

_Azazel let go of Dean "Why" he said as Dean fell into the snow "I want to be friends Dean. I really do" he licked his lips as his eyes scaled over Dean's body "But why would I let such a perfected body go to waste"_

_Dean's eyes widen "No!" he shouted before quickly getting to his feet and running._

_Azazel chuckle "You can't hide Dean!"_

_Dean was panting as he made his way to the bike trail, he knew that if he made it to the end he'd be at home, but his knee gave out and he fell into the snow. He crawled over to the nearest tree to get out of site from Azazel. He pulled out his phone as his eyes filled with tears, he dialed his home number._ _Dean felt his knee throbbing as he brought it to his chest._

"_Hello" __Dean let out a sobbed when he heard his fathers voice "Daddy!" he cried._

"_Dean?" he father said with worry "Dean what happened? Are you alright?"_

_Dean tried to catch his breath " No, He t-tried to hurt me" __Dean could hear keys jingle on the other end. _

_"Where are you?" _

"_T-The bike t-trail" he said._

"_Gotcha!" Azazel said shoving him to the ground._

"_No" Dean said trying to crawl away._

_Azazel grabbed his leg and dragged him back "Stop moving!" he yelled kneeling down, placing one knee on top of Dean's._

_Dean cried out "Get off!" _

_Azazel grinned "I knew throwing you out of a tree would come in handy one day" he pulled Dean pants down along with his bowers just enough to reveal his ass. _

_Dean sobbed "Please don't! Please please" he cried. _

"_Stop crying, it wont hurt that much" he lied as he entered Dean roughly. _

_Dean cried out "Stop!"_

_Azazel leaned down "Happy birthday sweetheart" _

~Present Day~

Dean shivered, he wasn't sure if it was because he didn't have a jacket or because of the painful memories that entered his mind. Every year... every year Dean hated his birthday because of what happened . After a year everyone stopped getting him presents and wishing him a happy birthday because he'd get depressed and upset. Dean felt a pressure of sadness on his chest as his limbs went numb, 'You're almost home' he thought 'you'll feel better once your home' but home wasn't close enough as that night played over and over in his head. Dean was cursed with a photographic memory, But he couldn't help but think he was forgetting something.

"Dean!"

Dean Jumped. 'He's here' he thought as he closed his eyes.

"Dean, are you okay?"

Dean lifted his head, 'Azazel wouldn't care about me' he thought "Cas?" he said as the teen walked across the road.

~Lost memory~

_Dean watched as his dad placed a boy about his age in the front seat with him. The boy was silently crying just like Dean._ _Dean calmed down enough to introduce himself "I-I'm Dean" he said._

_The boy looked up at him. His face was skinny, it looked like he hadn't eaten in weeks "I'm Castiel" he said._

_Dean looked down at his stuffed dog "Here" he said placing it in the other boys hands "His names Beneficio, but you can call him Ben" _

_Castiel shook his head holding the toy up for Dean to take "I couldn't" _

_Dean push the boys hands down "I want you to have him" he said "He makes me feel better when ever I'm sad, I know that seems stuipid at my age, but my mom made him for me, and you seem upset so..." he said with a weak smile._

_Castiel smile back "Thank you Dean" he said._

~o~

"No" Dean said in disbelieve.

"Dean are you okay?" Castiel asked again.

Dean didn't hear him all he could do was stare at the boy he'd forgotten.

"Dean?"

"I can't believe it" Dean blurted out.

Castiel was about to say something when a cop car pulled up. John quickly got out of the car and made his way over to his son.

"Dad?" Dean said "What are you doing here?"

"I got a call from Ellen and she said you stormed out." he said shrugging off his leather jacket and wrapping it around Dean "You scared me Dean" he said quietly. Dean bowed his head. John looked over at Castiel "Hi Cas, Do you need a ride?"

"Oh, uh no I was worried about Dean so I had Gabriel help find him" he explained.

Dean's head shot up 'he was worried?' he thought?

"Thank you, I'm gonna drive Dean home" he said.

Castiel nodded "okay"

John got Dean in the car and waited for Castiel to get back to Gabriels car before driving away.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Dean asked.

John glance at him "What are you talking about?"

"Castiel" he said like it explained it all. "I remember that night... and now I remember him" he said watching his father tense "Why didn't you tell me? Why did you let me forget him?"

"I didn't think you would forget him Dean" he said "You and Castiel were close from the moment I put him in the car... your mother and I made a deal with his mother promising not to tell either of you"

"But why?"

"For Castiel to get better" John said "I care about him just as much as you do Dean. Hell Your mother and I took care of him for a month and a half... But he doesn't remember anything about this town" he sighed "He has to remember on his own, so maybe then his past wont seem so bad"

"Does Sam remember?" Dean asked.

"Yes, and I spoke with him and explained to him why he couldn't tell you" he laughed "I'm surprised the kid lasted"

Dean sighed "But how did I forget?" he asked 'If me and him were so close how could I forget living with him for a whole month"

"I don't know Dean, People forget things"

"Not me" he said "I remember everything about my life" he said "I remember what I was wearing on my seventh birthday. I remember that I broke my arm because I slabbed in a red Honda on my new bike that day" he said trying to make a point "I don't forget stuff"

John sighed "you were going through a lot of stress Dean"

he said. Dean nodded as they pulled into the driveway. He looked out the window and watched the snowfall "Do you think he'll remember?"

"I think it will take some time" he said "Now go on get inside" he said.

Dean opened the door and sighed as the cold winter air hit his face "What about the Impala?"

"Don't worry I'll run up and get it after I'm done work"

Dean nodded before getting out of the car, leaving the warmth or the car and his fathers jacket behind. Though Dean was shivering as he walked to the front porch, he felt as if he were on fire. He opened the door and quickly made his way up to his room. His hands were shaking and his legs felt numb. He closed and locked the door before slowly making his way to his bathroom. He grabbed the sink counter for some support; his arms were shaking terribly as he looked up into the mirror.

_"Stupid whore"_

Dean felt his lungs seize as he fought to breathe.

_"Stop crying you little bitch!"_

"Shut up" he whispered to the air as his eyes clenched shut.

_"You're such a pretty little cock slut"_ Azazel's voice echoed through his mind.

Dean slammed his back against the wall hitting his head "Shut up. Shut up!" he cried as he slid onto the floor. He gasped trying to breathe

'it will make you feel better' the voice in his head chimed 'you know you deserve the pain'

Dean lunged forward ripping open the bottom drawer. He pulled out the knife placing it between his teeth. He turned so he could sit against the sink, and pull his sleeve up ripping his wristband of. He hissed as the blade dug into his skin making it easier to breathe as a rush of pain shot through his system. He sighed and let his head fall back has the ruby colored stream dripped from his arm.

"Happy birthday... sweetheart" he said closing his eyes.

~o~

Castiel climbed back into the car brushing the snow from his hair.

"Is Dean okay?" Gabriel asked.

Castiel nodded "his Dad picked him up"

"Well you want to go get something to eat? we got an hour to waist" he asked.

Castiel shrugged "Sure"

Gabriel smiled "Good cause I'm starving"

~o~

Sorry for the long wait! please review. again this wasn't beta'ed so the will be alot if mistakes


	7. It's all coming back!

**A/N: **I'm really really really sorry for such a long wait! I've just been busy finishing up with school and my Beta is having some trouble of her own so please try and bare with us! For those of you who are still reading this and continue to review I want to thank you It helps me a lot and gives me the will power to keep writing! I hope the wait was worth it!

~o~

Castiel got to school that day and made his way to the office where he knew he would find Dean. He opened the office door and the first thing he saw was green eyes.

"Hey Cas!" Dean greeted with a smile.

Castiel tilted his head in confusion, "Hello Dean." He wondered if Dean had forgotten about yesterday.

"I'll walk you to your locker in a second," Dean said stapling some papers and hopping over the desk to place them in a filing cabinet.

"I thought she told you not to do that," Castiel said.

Dean grinned, "Well, she isn't here."

"Doesn't mean I didn't see you!" yelled from behind a closed door.

Dean snickered walking around the desk. "Come on," he said leading them out the door. Dean looked around and asked, "Where's Jimmy?"

"He went to sleep late last night, and I didn't want to wake him earlier than necessary" he said studying Dean's features.

Dean nodded "So, I-I saw you at Ellen's yesterday" he said.

Castiel nodded "Yeah, she's really nice."

Dean smiled looking at Castiel who quickly blushed and looked away. Who could hurt such a beautiful person? Dean looked at the floor "S-so, how w-was your weekend?"

Castiel smiled. "You're cute when you stutter" he blurted out.

Dean frowned _'you're so cute when you're nervous...that stutter of yours.'_

Castiel's eyes widened "I-I didn't mean to. T-that didn't come out right," stuttering a bit himself.

Dean smiled "It's okay Cas," Dean said. "You're cute too...when you stutter," he said looking away with a blush.

Castiel blushed looking at his feet.

Dean cleared his throat. "I believe this is our stop," he said.

Castiel looked up and muttered a quiet, "Oh" as he stopped in front of his locker. He quickly grabbed the books that he needed and placed them into his backpack. He stood up closing his locker gently and sighed, "So, how's Sam? He wasn't over with Jimmy this weekend?" he asked turning around.

Dean was staring at one spot on the floor seeming a little out of it.

Castiel smiled. "Dean."

"Huh?" He blinked looking up at him.

Castiel tilted his head and asked, "You okay? You kinda seemed to zone out a little there."

Laughing a little, Dean said, "Yeah, I'm fine; just thinking...you ready for the German test today?"

Castiel shook his head. "No, I always fail the tests Frau Miller gives."

Dean smile, "Nien! Du ist sehr intelligent!"

"Thanks for the support."

Dean nodded, "Do you want to study at lunch?" he asked.

Castiel sighed "Yeah, that would help a lot."

"Dean!"

Dean and Castiel's heads snapped to the side to find Chuck.

"Sorry I'm late! My alarm never went off," he explained.

Castiel smiled, "It's okay Chuck"

"We should get to first period, all the football players are here already," he said, mostly to Dean.

Dean frowned and nodded, "Yeah, good idea."

"Hey Winchester!"

"Shit!" Dean cursed at the sound of Luke Brian, the school quarterback. He slowly turned to face him. "Can I help you?"

Luke walked up to him. "I was just wondering how your birthday went yesterday?" he said.

Dean clenched his jaw. "Fine," he growled.

Castiel frowned 'Dean's birthday was yesterday?' he thought to himself. Why wouldn't Dean tell him?

"That's good...You see I was gonna get you a present, but I couldn't decide whether to get you a box condoms, or razors," the guys behind him snickered.

Dean just bowed his head trying to avoid conflict. "Look Luke I don't want to fight," he said.

Luke laughed dryly "Fight? Haha...this isn't a fight," he said before grabbing Dean and shoving him against the lockers that shook and rattled. He frowned and glared at Dean as he struggled beneath him. "You know Winchester, it was stupid of you to accuse Azazel of doing something like that...we all know that you'd suck any ones dick for a quick buck. Cause you're just a gay slut."

Dean frowned unwilling to fight back because he knew he couldn't win. He closed he's eyes and waited for the pain.

"Hey dick head!" Jo yelled from the end of the hall. "Why don't you pick on someone your own size," she said. Crowley and Ash followed behind her.

Ash ran up and stopped next to Luke. "Let him go," he said.

Luke laughed. "And what are you going to do hillbilly."

"Did he just call him hillbilly?" Crowley asked Joe.

Joe nodded. "He shouldn't have done that," she said.

"Oh you think you're funny, don't you," he said laughing before tackling Luke to the floor.

Dean fell limply to the floor, rubbing his throat.

Castiel closed his eyes and struggled with his grip on reality. "They always fight." he said.

Chuck frowned. "What?" he said looking over at him to see his eyes clenched shut and his body trembling. His eyes widened, "Oh no,no,no. Castiel?" he said.

Dean looked up at him. "Shit," he cursed. "Ash knock it off!" he yelled but his voice was too scratched for him to hear. Dean groaned and quickly got up. "Doesn't matter now," he shrugged grabbing Castiel by the arm and dragging him down the hall to get him away from the fight.

By the time they reached the bathroom, Castiel was kicking and screaming to be set free and rambling apologies that didn't make sense to Dean. Dean pulled him into the bathroom and locked the door.

~o~

Dean didn't know how long he sat there with Castiel as he hugged his knees to his chest mumbling under his breath. Dean sighed calmly laying his head against the door and softly started to sing out of boredom.

"Is that seat taken? Congratulations. Would you like to take a walk with me? My mind it kind of goes fast, I'll try and slow it down for you. I think I'd love to take a drive. I want to give you something, Something I've been wanting to give to you for years-... My heart."

Castiel slowly started to get back his grasp on reality with the song of the familiar melody. He slowly started to open his eyes and take in his surroundings, and the person singing.

"My heart, my pain won't cover up. You left me. My heart, my pain won't cover up. You left me." he closed his eyes. "I came to see the light in my best friend, you seem as happy as you've ever been... My chance of being open is broken and now all I miss is him." he sighed wrapping his arms around his knees and pulling them to his chest. "My words they don't come out right, but I'll try and say I'm happy for you! I think I'm gonna take that drive. I wanted to give you something that I've been wanting to give to you for years...My heart."

"Who are you singing about?" Castiel asked.

Dean's eyes shot open and his cheeks flushed. "You're awake," he said.

Castiel nodded catching Dean wipe a tear on his shoulder before looking at him. He smiled "Well there's no point in finishing school, do you want to come back to my place till your brother finishes school?"

Castiel frowned "No one's asked where we are?"

Dean frowned. "No. my phones been going off like crazy, but I figured all you need was some quiet time." he said.

Castiel gave a small smile. "Thank you," he whispered.

Dean smiled standing up, "Well, come on," he said picking up their backpacks.

Castiel slowly stood up, groaning as his legs stretched and cracked.

Dean unlocked the door and looked around before motioning for Cas to go first. Castiel swiftly moved passed Dean and into the hallway.

"This way," Dean said quickly walking toward the end of the hall to the two exit doors.

Castiel paused at the doors, "Won't we get in trouble for leaving?"

Dean smiled. "No, not if it's me" he said opening the door.

Castiel followed him outside to his beloved Impala. Castiel climbed into the passenger side and sank into the seat, watching Dean slide behind the wheel.

~o~

The ride to Dean's house was mostly silent, until Castiel asked him a question. He looked over at Dean "Dean?"

Dean glanced at him and smiled "Yeah?"

Castiel swallowed, "How come you didn't tell me your birthday was yesterday?"

Dean frowned and his grip on the steering wheel tightened. "It's not really that big of a deal."

Castiel frowned. "But you're seventeen, you should celebrate that you've lived this long."

"Yeah well not everyone enjoys that reminder!" he snapped.

Castiel frowned a looked away.

Dean sighed. "Looked, I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you, I...I just don't like celebrating my birthday," he shrugged.

Castiel nodded and watched the trees pass by his window until they reached Dean's house. Castiel got out of the car shivering as the cold air brushed over his face. They slowly walked toward the door and quiety made their way inside. Dean took notice of the unfamiliar car in the driveway along with his dads squad car.

He closed the door and shrugged off his jacket. "Dad?" he called.

"Dean?" his dad shouted room the living room.

The sound of rushed foot steps made Dean worry. His dad came into view with a look of shock and worry "What are you doing home this early?" he asked stepping closer. "What happened to your neck?"

Dean frowned. "That isn't important...is someone here?" he asked looking past here.

"I wasn't expecting you home so early... I need to explain things to you..."

"Is everything okay, Mr. Winchester?"

Dean froze... 'that voice' he thought to himself taking a step back, a look of terror crossed his face "no" he whispered.

"Dean?" Castiel asked with worry, he's never seen Dean this scared.

Dean's eyes soon connected with a pale yellow. The world around him stopped, and all he could hear was his heart beat.

"_Azazel?" _He and Cas both said at once.

~o~

Muhahahaha! I love cliffhangers. Hope you all enjoyed please review!


	8. being in your arms

**A/N: **Yay I updated rather quickly! I hope you guess enjoy this chapter! remember to review!

~o~

Castiel frowned and looked over at Dean, the fear was clear to see in his shimmering eyes. He slowly backed up until his back hit the wall, he wrapped his arms around his shaking torso.

"Dean!" Azazel said wanting to run to the boy.

Castiel looked to the man he'd grown up with; he looked so different. He looked older than he really was, his tired face lined with worry and maybe fear…Castiel couldn't really tell. Castiel gritted his teeth and haltingly stepped forward. "Azazel? What are you doing here? Is Lucifer with you?"

Azazel's frown deepened, "Chris?"

Castiel closed his eyes and shuttered at the sound of that name.

"Dean," John said. "Dean it's okay," he stepped toward his son. "He's not who you think!"

Dean shook his head. "No," he whispered sliding to the floor. "I can't deal with you right now."

John walked over to his son. "Dean he's not going to hurt you...He isn't the kid from that night."

Dean laughed darkly moving his arms to hug his knees to his chest. "Now you don't believe me either," he whispered.

John shook his head. "What are you talking about? I was on the phone. I…I heard everything."

"Dean, please you have to believe your father. The boy who was with you that night wasn't me!" Azazel explained. "It was my brother Lucifer. We're identical twins. After you and I had that conversation after school, I ran home! I thought I could trust my brother, so I told him...you have to understand I was afraid of what could have happened between us…If you knew who my father was you'd understand."

"I know who your father is you bastard!" Dean shouted quickly getting to his feet. "You've been talking about him for the past three years!"

John's heart stopped and he looked to Azazel. "What?"

Azazel was just as confused. "Dean, what do you mean the last three years?" he asked not wanting to know the answer. He could tell that John already knew what the boy was going to say because of the way he shut his eyes and bowed his head.

"You know damn well what I mean!" he yelled. "I've been sick to my stomach for the past week cause I didn't know when you were gonna pop up!" There were hot tears in his eyes. "Why can't you just leave me alone?" he said, his voice hoarse and broken.

"Dean," John said looking at his scared, broken son. "Why didn't you tell me? I could have helped!"

"Because I'm the only thing standing between him and Sammy"

"He threatened your brother?" Azazel asked.

"What's this "he" shit? It was you?" he shouted. "Why wait four year to tell me it wasn't?"

"Because I've been under the observation of my father! After I heard what Lucifer did to you, I tried to go to the police! To you! But my father wouldn't have it and sent me to college with his friends constantly watching me and his checking up on me every day!"

"So Alistair knows where you are?" Castiel asked.

Azazel nodded, "Unfortunately, and I'll probably end up dead tomorrow."

Castiel's eyes widened. "Y-you lead him here," he asked his heart pounding and his chest becoming heavy. Castiel shook his head "I-I have to get home. I have to tell my mother."

"Castiel, no!" John said "You can't go home yet. Zachariah is here to see your mother."

Castiel felt like falling to the floor, this was the worst day of his life. He just wanted to lay down and die. His fake dad was probably looking for him and now his real dad is here too. Castiel looked at the floor. "I'm so tired and confused! All I want to do is to go home, and get Ben so I can feel safe for once today!" he said.

Dean tilted his head "Beneficio?" he said wiping his eyes with his sleeve.

Castiel frowned "How did-..."

"_... My mom made him for me."_

Castiel's vision went blurry and his head started to pound. "Dean?" he said before everything went black.

~Dream/memories~

"_Come on Chris," Azazel whispered._

"_We're gonna get caught!" Gabriel whispered staring at the door in fear._

"_I almost got it!" Castiel said reaching for the windows ledge. He took a deep breath and jumped off Azazel's shoulders and grasped the windows ledge. "I got it!" he said trying to pull himself up. He was so weak, father stopped feeding him about two weeks ago._

_Azazel put his hand under Castiel's foot and pushed him through the window._

"_Quick, someone's coming!" Gabriel said._

_Azazel looked up through the window to Castiel."Christopher, run! Go down this street until you hit a turn, then go left! Find a Mr. John Winchester's house. His last name is written on the mail box, he's a police officer. Tell him about this place make him take you back here! No matter how bad you don't __want to come back! Come back for us please! Now run and don't stop until you find John Winchester!" he said frantically._

_Castiel nodded before turning and running to the street, he could hear yelling and screaming behind him but he didn't look back. The snow froze his feet and the cold air scratched his throat. It felt like hours had passed before he hit the turn, and when he saw the head lights off a car coming from the right side he quickly started to sprint down the left. That's where Azazel said to go right? His mind was a mess as he forced to keep his legs running. His eyes scanning each mail box as he ran past._

_He was running down the middle of the street so he could read all the mail boxes, but he still didn't see Winchester. Castiel was too busy reading mailboxes he didn't see the ice on the road and ended up falling._

_Tires screeched to a stop and a car door opened. "Hey kid!" a man yelled._

"_Dad, what's going on?"_

"_Just stay in the car!" he said kneeling in front of Castiel. "Hey, it's okay. I'm a police officer" he said calmly._

_Castiel's eyes widened "Of- officer Winchester?" he asked nervously._

_John frowned "Yes?"_

_Castiel started to sob. "You have to help! M-my brother said to find you! You have to go back to our house, our f-father is a bad man and you can't leave them there...I left them there!" he choked out._

"_Hey, it's gonna be okay. You're safe now," he said placing a comforting hand on his shoulder "What's your name?"_

_Castiel thought for a moment...what should he say. Father said to tell every adult Christopher, but Gabriel has been the only one to keep his real name more than just a faded memory._

"_**Always remember your real name Castiel," Gabe would say. "If you ever get out of here then you'll be able to find your real parents"**_

"_Castiel...Castiel Novak"_

_John nodded, "Okay, that's a nice name." He stood up and put his hand on Castiel's back. "Come with me," he said._

_Castiel slowly walked towards the police car. John opened the passenger door for him and helped him inside. Next to him was a boy, about his age. His face was bruised and he was sitting at an awkward angle. Castiel sniffled wiping his eyes._

"_I-I'm Dean" the boy next him said._

~o~

Castiel jolted awake 'Winchester, Officer Winchester' his thoughts race as he looked at the room around him. He knew it was Dean's; he recognized it. He'd slept in this room with Dean for the month and a half.

Why didn't anyone tell him; why did they let him suffer? And Dean, poor Dean with what Lucifer did to him. Castiel was furious as he stood from the bed and pulled the door open.

"I want to see my son!"

Castiel new that voice as he quickly walked down the stairs. At the bottom he saw his mother standing next to his father. Azazel, John, Mary, Dean, and Sam were standing there. John stepping forward "And what makes you think you deserve to!" John yelled "I know what you did to him once you got him home! You should be in jail you son of a bitch!"

"John," Mary said grabbing his arm, "Now is not the time to start a fist fight."

Zachariah clenched his fist. "It was because of your abomination that I had to punish him! He would have been fine if he hadn't spent so much time with your faggot!"

Dean looked at the floor; Sam placed a comforting hand on his arm.

Castiel felt his anger melt as he ran over to Dean and wrapped him in his arms.

Dean tensed for a second waiting for Castiel to freak, but then Castiel whispered in his ear. "I don't blame you for anything," he said. "Don't be so hard on yourself."

Castiel's mother put hand over her mouth and looked at her ex-husband in fear.

Zachariah went to step forward, but John stepped in front of him. "Don't you dare," he said. "Get out of my house," he said through clenched teeth.

Zachariah huffed before leaving, slamming the door behind him.

Dean finally wrapped his arms around Castiel and buried his head into the crook of his neck. 'He remembers' was the first thing to go through Dean's mind.

They pulled apart to see they both had tears in their eyes. They laughed and smiled before hugging each other once more.

Sam smiled, "You remember!"

Castiel looked at him and nodded.

Sam smiled hugging Castiel.

John smiled and glanced at Mary who had tears in her eyes. John laughed and wrapped an arm around her shoulder.

Castiel looked up at them and stepped past Sam to wrap them in a hug.

Guinevere smiled. They looked like a family...a family who had lost one of their own.

Castiel looked up and moved passed John and Mary to wrap his arms around his mother. "I love you," he whispered.

~o~

So, what did you think? We're finally getting somewhere! please review!


	9. How It Started

Hey guys! I'm sorry I know it's been awhile, a long while but I got in the mood to write so I did! I hope you like this chapter **WARNING: There is some description of what happened to Castiel while he was in Alistair's care and I don't wanna trigger someone if they had a similar experience, and I thought it'd be a good idea to warn you guys about it. **

I'm sorry so any mistakes! I'm sure there are a lot but I wrote this in like three hours so I'm sorry I tried haha.

ENJOY!

~o~

"So you really remember everything?" Ellen said with a bright smile.

Castiel grinned "Yes!" Cas said with excitement "I can't believe I forgot all of this... All of you!" he shook his head in disbelief "It's like I forgot an entire half of my family"

Ellen smiled and nodded taking notes on her little note pad "I'm glad to see that you've made great progress since you've come back" She said flipping threw her notes "It had been over three weeks since you've had a panic attack until yesterday." she said with a smile that slowly faded as she read.

Castiel tilted his head in worry "Is there something wrong?" he asked.

She looked up at him for a quick second before looking down and taking her glasses of. She placed the pad and pencil down on the small table next to her "Castiel..." she said looking at him "You've come very far to get to this point, and I know you've been to many different therapists that have helped you just like I have." she paused for a second to think of the right words to say "I have been trying to avoid this for sometime now because I know from your records that you don't react well, but I'm gonna need you to talk about your experiences in that house."

Castiel's eyes dropped to the floor and he felt his heart clench in his chest "I..."

"You don't have today Cas, but it will help you come to terms with what happened, and it'll be good to get everything out of you mind." she look at the boy who seemed to shutdown in front of her " I know it'll be hard Castiel, but it will help I promise, but remember not to push yourself."

Castiel nodded thinking hard. Maybe it was time to tell someone, he didn't even tell the detectives that were just trying to help, or any of his other therapist. He took a deep breath and nodded to himself.

"The... The first thing I remember is riding next to him in the van." he started, his eyes staying focused on the floor "I was so scared and I just wanted to go home"

~o~

"_M-Mister, please let me out" Castiel sobbed his small frame backed up against the locked door. _

_The man smiled at him "Don't worry okay? I'm going to take care of you" he said calmly and reassuringly "Whats your name?"_

_Castiel sniffed "Cas-Castiel" _

"_Castiel!" the man said with disapproval "You don't look anything like a Castiel!"_

_Castiel tilted his head "I don't?" he asked, his voice still shaking with fear and tears still falling freely down his face. _

"_No" he smiled "You're to cute to be a Castiel" he smiled lightly at the young boy "I think you look more like a Christopher"_

o~

"Thats how I got my new name" he said "He did it to everyone he picked up. Gabriel, Balthazar... Anna" He seemed to reflect on the name of the girl. It left a bad taste in his mouth. He shook his head "Then when we got "home" he took me to a bedroom that was all white with a bed in the center" he shifted in his seat "He gave me paint and said I could do whatever I wanted to my room, that it was mine to make mine... I thought it was a joke so I just sat next to the paint for hours because my dad never let us draw on the walls and I was afraid of what he might do to me if I did do something wrong. After a while he came in and opened up all the paint and took his hand and just smeared it across the wall. I joined him. We covered the whole room in all different colors. It was fun, but I should have known better."

~o~

_Castiel laughed and smiled as he smeared red paint across the wall, mixing it with other colors._

_Alistair stood beside the boy picking him up every now and then so the boy could get high up on the wall. After they covered all four walls Alistair grabbed Castiel's paint covered hands "Come on lets get you cleaned up Christopher" He said as they entered a fairly large bathroom. "Get undressed while I start your bath okay" he walked over to the bath tub and left Castiel at the door._

_Castiel played with the hem of his paint soaked shirt. This didn't feel right to him, he didn't know this man, he didn't know where he was. Where was his brother? Was he mad cause Castiel had left their game. Castiel felt tears sting his eyes, Jimmy was going to be so mad at him for leaving. Castiel let out a sob and started to cry uncontrollably._

_Alistair walked over to him and knelt down in front of him "Whats wrong?" He asked concerned eyes looked into teary blue ones._

"_M-My brothers g-gonna be so mad at me!" the little boy whaled louder._

"_Oh, no no" Alistair pulled the boy close "Your brother didn't appreciate you Christopher, he was always mad at you wasn't he?" the boy nodded against his shoulder "He never saw how wonderful and beautiful you are. None of them did... But I do" he said squeezing the the boy "You're such a lovely little boy Chris" he pulled back to look at the boys red puffy face "And with those eyes I don't see how anyone could ever be mad at you"_

~o~

"He was just trying to get me to trust him and find comfort in him and I did" he said with defeat "He was just so nice and loving. He'd always tell me I was safe with him and that no one was going to hurt me... but he lied.

Castiel dug his nails into his knees as his memories raced through his mind. He took a breath and tried to stay calm, trying to take it one step at a time.

"For the first three years he played father to me, he didn't touch me or hurt me or get mad at me for anything" he said "For those three years he'd watch me get dressed. He'd bring me clothes in the morning to change into, and clothes to sleep in at night. He'd just sit there and watch me, I never thought anything of it, and after a while it was normal to me." he paused for a moment and closed his eyes "But, when I turned 8 everything changed..." he sighed as tears filled his eyes " I was getting dressed for bed when he grabbed my arm and pulled me to the bed. I tried to get up and tell him I wasn't done but he just hushed me and told me everything was okay and that I was going to be okay as long as I played along with him. He started by kissing me, just normal lip peaks at first, but he kept trying to make it something more and I didn't want to but he wouldn't let me go and soon he was on top of me forcing his tongue into my mouth. I didn't say anything I didn't do anything I just laid there and let him do it. He was holding both my arms down when he unzipped his pants and pressed himself against me and..." he paused as his voice cracked and his body shook "He pushed himself inside me a little, but he stop cause I started crying and he asked me if it hurt... I said yes and he just let go of my one arm and covered my mouth so he wouldn't hear me scream" Castiel started sobbing and covered his face.

Ellen placed tissues on the table in front of him and said nothing. It was hard sometimes to keep a distance with her patients, but she had to.

~o~

I Hope you guys liked this chapter I'll try and keep updating, but I can't promise anything.

Please review I love to hear what you guys think.


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